Oh NUTS! I needed a laugh

Happy nurses week!  In honor of this special occasion, I'm blogging for the first time in months...And it will be a nurse story.  Because it's nurses week.  And because I keep wanting to tell this story to every person I encounter, and I'm quite certain they will get sick of the retelling. 

Or be shocked at my crassness.

But the crassness is what makes it so great!

Tuesday I went in to say hello and do an assessment on a 66 year old gentleman who was in mental status change.  He had suffered from a stroke, and he did not have any residual effects physically, but as he told me over and over, "My head is messed up."  Whether it is due to his stroke, history of drug abuse, or seizures, I'm not sure.  But he was confused.  He would get an idea in his head, and he would say it over and over and over.  For example, he had wanted me to call his son to go check on his wife at the nursing home, only he couldn't remember the number.  I looked it up in the computer, but before I got a chance to help him with the call (any activity with this gentleman took a good amount of time due to his mental processing deficit), he remembered the number. 

867-5309!  867-5309!  867-5309!

He shouted it out from his room so LOUDLY that I could hear it clearly in my patient's room two doors down.  And, fortunately he had learned to use the call button...

"May I help you," asked the unit secretary.

"867-5309!  867-5309!  867-5309!" 

Okay, that's not the real number he gave.  He gave the correct number, which I memorized due to him hollering it for a good 20 minutes straight, but I cannot give it to you, lest you call his son and harass him.  Besides, 867-5309 will be stuck in your head all day.  You're welcome.

Anyway, all of that drawn out background was to get a base of his mentation for you. 

I was charting his assessment in the computer.  "I have to pee!" 

"Okay, go ahead and go.  The bathroom is right there."  I indicated the door, and knew full well he could get up and walk, as he'd been wandering the hall all night long, and had in fact gotten himself tied up for not staying in his room, and wandering into other patient's rooms...

"I gotta pee!"

"Okay..."  And I repeated the instructions as I continued to chart....And I repeated.  And repeated.

And repeated.

After I had completed the charting, I turned to him and said, "Alright, let's get you  up to the bathroom."  And thus began a 10 minute step by step instruction session to get this six foot man out of bed and to the bathroom, where he walked to the toilet....and stood.

"Lift your gown up so you can pee."

"Okay."  And he did.

"Alright, you might want to pull down your diaper."

"Okay."  Nothing....I said again, "You need to pull down your diaper."

"Okay." Still standing with his gown wadded up in his hands.

 And with a mental shrug I undid his diaper and pulled it off.  "Alright.  You can pee now."

And he proceeded to pee all over the floor.  "Sir, you need to grab hold of that thing and take about two steps forward.  You are missing the toilet."  Now, some of you may be shocked at my bluntness, but sometimes I wish I had that gumption when I was 16 working at our local gas station and cleaning pee up daily after specific men came in for their morning coffee and gossip session.

Anyway, he said, "Oh my!  Oh no!  I peed all over my nuts!  This is TERRIBLE!  And the floor!  How TERRIBLE!  TERRIBLE!  TERRIBLE!"

"It's okay.  Just step closer, and aim a little better."  And he did.  But he continued to rant, "I peed on my nuts!  You will have to wash my nuts!  It's awful!"

I got a warm washcloth, waited for him to finish, and when he said, "Well, that ain't much, but that's all I can do these days," I handed him the rag and said, now clean yourself up.  Which he thankfully began to do, WITHOUT step by step direction.

"This is terrible.  You are washing my nuts!  You don't get paid enough to wash my  nuts!  Oh no.  I'm so sorry I peed all over my nuts and you have to wash them."

"It's okay, sir.  You are washing them, not me."

Yet he continued to dutifully scrub and apologize..."I'm so sorry I peed on my nuts!  You have to wash my nuts!  It's terrible!

At last I deemed that they were certainly clean.  "Alright, that's good.  Now throw the washcloth in this bag, and wash your hands." 

So he did, and continued to say, "I peed on my nuts!  I'm so sorry!  Now you have to wash them!  You don't get paid enough to wash nuts!"

At last I convinced him that he could stop washing his hands and to return to bed.  Of course, all the way to bed he chanted in a loud voice, "You have to wash my nuts!  I peed all over my nuts!  This is TERRIBLE!"

And I continued to say "It's okay," and "You already cleaned your nuts, now let's get a diaper back on and get you back in bed" all the while fighting to not burst into laughter lest I hurt his feelings.  Because, rest assured Gentle Reader, men do NOT enjoy laughter that involves their nuts.  Life experience as a nurse, I promise this is fact.

After spending five minutes convincing him to get in bed, I finally was able to leave the room with him apologizing all of the way out the door....

"I peed on my nuts!  This is TERRIBLE!  You have to wash my nuts!  I'm so sorry!  You don't get paid enough to wash my nuts!"

And I stepped out in the hall and around the corner of his door.  And collapsed against the wall shaking with silent laughter.

Happy nurses week!

Two Degrees of Separation from Kevin Bacon

HASHTAG!!!  I have a new BFF!  It is soooo exciting, Gentle Reader.

We met last Saturday. 

And we had a date to meet up again today.

But then she forgot about her new burgeoning friendship with her very favorite BFF...

Or she may not have realized that we had a date.

But we did...Oh, Gentle Reader, we most certainly did.  Because I know deep down in my soul that our friendship is destined for greatness.

Are you confused yet?

Well, it all started at 9:30am on Saturday, February 9th, 2013.

Or thereabouts.

Anyway, I went into my pilates class, eyeballed the creepy, sweaty dude who follows a one hour spin class with a one hour Pilates class "on every Saturday, because my weekend is just not right if I don't start it out this way."  I mistakenly put my mat next to his one week and was disconcerted to hear him let out EEEyah! with nearly every roll up.  And pike.  And leg circle.

Seriously.  He's pouring sweat, and he's letting out these giant "OOFS!" and "HeeYAAA!"  It's quite annoying...

Anyhoo...I eyeballed him.  And I carried my mat to the far opposite corner of the room.  Two young women were chatting about where the instructor would be, and where should they put their mats.  And ever helpful person that I am, I glanced over my shoulder as I tugged off my shoes and said, "She lays her mat in the middle of the floor, we make a circle around."

They both smiled and dropped a thanks, then went to the equipment room to grab some mats.  "Hmm..That dark haired one looked familiar."  And I continued to fidget with my mat, moving it over a bit so they could both fit in the space they had chosen, and debated whether I should go pee before doing excessive abdominal work...

And then I heard THE VOICE.  "I know that voice!"  I turned and took a better gander at the gal who was laying out her mat RIGHT next to me.

IT WAS OUR LOCAL WEATHER GIRL!  All sweaty and pale, because she herself had done the psycho spin class before this Pilates class also.

Well, there was only one thing to do:  I picked up my phone and sent out a group text:  "Blahblahblah Blahblah is doing pilates RIGHT.  NEXT. TO. ME."

I was saddened to realize some people do not realize who our local weather girl is, nor do they realize how HUGELY significant this is...I mean, I'm offically two degrees of separation from Kevin Bacon.  I do pilates with her, she works for a tv station, which for SURE has shown a Kevin Bacon movie.  I mean, this made me practically famous!  So exciting.

Oh, and the excitement determined that yes, indeed, I did need to go pee.

And so did she!!!  It was instant bonding Gentle Reader.  I KNEW this was the beginning of a beautiful thing.  We would start meeting up on Saturday Pilates classes.  Then we would advance our small chitchat to grabbing a cup of coffee from Starbucks after.  Perhaps even reward ourselves with a chicken biscuit from CFA.  Or perhaps run to Academy to do check out cute new workout gear to wear.  Perhaps I would get an aqua dry fit top and she would get eggplant.  Those colors compliment so well, yes?

Anyway, I avoided assaulting her with jokes about "So, how about this weather?  Think we will get any moisture soon?"  and other such nonsense that I'm sure all of the silly  start struck fools approach her with. 

Instead, I was cool and calm.  And competitive.  We did push ups last Saturday.  LOTS of push ups.  So many that I decided to quit keeping track at 32.  And while the instructor may have been saying, "These are YOUR push ups.  If you can only do 2 inches, do those 2 inches, and you will build up strength."

Hashtag, I wasn't doin' no stinkin' 2 inch push ups!  And I was NOT going to do a modified push up.  I was next to our local weather girl!  She needed, nay, DESERVED to see what I was capable of.  Just so our future friendship was on equal footing, mind you.  I didn't want her to feel the need to dial back her own super fitness just to spare her new BFF's feelings.

So, 32 push ups I did.  And more.  Yes, the last several were shaky.  And slow.  But I did them!

I could feel her beaming approval emanating over to me as we quietly breathed in through our nose and forcefully exhaled through our mouths in perfect pilatial harmony.

Oh, Gentle Reader it was so beautiful...

Fast forward one week:  I was sure to arrive at the gym before 9 so I could get a full 30 minutes of cardio before heading to the pilates gym.  I wanted to be sure I had ample time to search out the ideal spot for my new BFF and I to work out together.  Because even though, we did not exchange actual words last Saturday, I knew she was able to sense the awesomeness of our relationship to be based on how perfectly our "shoooooos" blended together as we exhaled through our pikes...

Only, HASHTAG!  A cute little blond with well manicured toes and hair put her mat down next to mine!  Oh no!  Where oh where would my new BFF sit?  There was not quite enough room on my left because I figured she would come with the cute little blond girl that I was planning to dethrone from workout partner to a place somewhere that involved a merely casual, cheerful "Hi" as they passed in the ladies locker room...

Not that I'm evil.  Or possessive. 

Unless it comes to my new BFF, the local weather girl.  And in that case I can be quite proprietal...

The perky well manicured blond turned out to be quite friendly, and we discussed our hopes that the push ups would be nonexistent this week, and the fact that the new instructor is really great, and what other classes do you take, yadayadayada.

Y'know.  Because I can and will talk to just about anyone with a pulse...

And my new BFF never showed up.

Hashtag.

*Oh, and for those of you who ask the eternal yoga pant question, the answer is:  running shorts.

This is SCARY Stuff!

This morning my alarm went of at 5am.  I got out of bed, changed the alarm to 6am, and crawled BACK into bed.

At 6am, my alarm went off AGAIN. 

Aren't you glad to know that the alarm on my phone functions just as it should?

Well, unfortunately instead of "snooze" I hit "dismiss."

Which, of course meant I went right back to sleep...

Fast forward what felt like mere seconds.  I stretched, grabbed my phone, and decided to use my weather app to see what the weather would be like...Because experience has taught me that the first words out of my youngest daughters mouth (behind her lengthy groan at having to rise) will be "What's the weather going to be like today?"

Anyway, I grabbed my phone from underneath my right hip, and just as I hit the "unlock" I heard an eerie "swishhhhhhh."

?!

I can always hear Kelsey's collar jingle as she trots down the hall to tell me it's time to get my carcass out of bed.  And Chesney always makes Chewbacca sounds as she stretches, and even if those bizarre growls don't wake me, her tail whacking the door frames as she goes down the hall certainly will.

But all I could hear was a very constantly paced "swissshhhhhh."  And it was coming down the hall to my room!  Hashtag!  Something is coming to get me!

I said in a weak, thready voice, "Kelsey?"  The swish remained steadily paced.  No reassuring jingle. 

"Chesney?"  No thumping tail or Wookiee moans to alert me as to the identity of the source.

You know how when you first wake up, your brain is fuzzy and perhaps not rational?  Well, I don't know what the heck I thought was swishing down the hall to me, but it took all of my willpower not to let out a blood curdling scream when warm breath started fanning my face.

Then I realized the warm breath was attached to a dog that was carrying her security blanket down the hall, and since she was dragging it, she apparently wasn't wagging her tail or talking in Wookiee.

She was just scaring the crap out of me.

But in the end it was all good, as I had actually went back to sleep for FORTY minutes instead of a mere few seconds. 

Turns out that early adrenaline rush was just the thing to get me moving quickly to get everyone out the door on time!

Water Bullies

I know I can be a bit extreme by many people's standards.  I get a little sick feeling in my stomach if I actually use a water bottle and throw it in the trash.  I prefer to carry a REUSABLE bottle.  I carry my own shopping bags, and have even made my girls get out to help me gather trash that blew along the roadside of our little street...

But even without my extreme sense of right and wrong and natural resources, I think the majority of people if educated would be appaled at Oklahoma City's water board and their stance on water usage.

RIP Canton Lake.  Started by the drought.  Finished by the citizens of Oklahoma City.

The citizens of Oklahoma City should be ashamed.  While the citizens may not be directly responsible for the city council's decision to drain water out of Canton Lake, they ARE responsible for the need.

Brent read a  very apt quote.  "Just because the bully poured all of his water out on the sidewalk doesn't mean the little guy should have to hand over his."

But that is exactly what Oklahoma City has done.  And continues to do.  The state of Oklahoma is in the second highest level of drought on record.  And Oklahoma City, in the face of a warning from the state's senior climatologist that this spring has no better hope than last for rain, still fails to act responsibly.  They finally planned water rationing, in the form of odd even watering restrictions.

In January.

Because so many people water in January.

Guess what big plans they have to do if we don't get rain?

Drain an additional 20000 acre feet of water out of Lake Canton again.  Because if we don't get rain, surely Canton will.  Never mind that northwest Oklahoma has had only a fraction of the rain OKC has seen.  Never mind that Canton is in an area of the state that is KNOWN to get significantly less rainfall.

Obviously the leaders of OKC are too ignorant or selfish to plan more aggressively or *gasp* make the greater OKC citizens slightly less comfortable with their lifestyles.

Canton has been devastated and robbed of it's economy to replace the water that the residents of the OKC area foolishly wasted. 



But the good people of Edmond had beautiful yards! 

The only source of walleye fish for the state (all Oklahoma lakes are stocked with walleye from Canton) has been drained.



Photo credit: Gary McManus, Oklahoma's Leading Climatologist; He shot both of these photos on Feb 6, 2013. The top is Canton lake. The bottom is Oklahoma City.

Yet nearly every day that I drove to work last summer, I saw water running down the sidewalks because a careless person failed to make sure their sprinklers weren't spraying the concrete.



Here's what is even worse:  I don't think that most citizens of OKC realize how desperate the water situation is.  And they are too shortsighted to ever stop and think where their water comes from.

So, here's the rally cry I have for all citizens, whether you live in Oklahoma City, the surrounding area, the state of Oklahoma, whatever:  Start your own personal watering ration.  I know most of us consider water rationing a summer time activity when we are watering our yard, but there are things you can do every single day to be a better custodian of  our natural resources.

1.  Place large bowls in the sink when you wash dishes by hand.  Carry that water out this water your containers or flower beds.
2..TURN OFF THE WATER WHEN YOU BRUSH  YOUR TEETH!
3.  Make your shower short and efficient.  We have all sacrificed long hot showers in our house for improved water stewardship.  I have even cut down my daily soaks in a deep tub of hot water to one bath per week.

And those are all super simple solutions.  Want to really stretch your water conserving muscles?  Well, as a former queen of a  real live castle, I know all about restricting water waste!

Put small bowls in each bathroom sink.  Once the bowl is full, dump the bowl in a bucket placed handily on the floor by the counter.  Carry said bucket outside when it gets 3/4 full.   Pour this water out on your flowers, containers, bushes, trees, whatever. 

If you really want to go all super power, then simply do this:



That would be a sump pump.

And this would be a car battery...

Combine these two products, attach them to a garden hose, then run the hose through the house to the outside to drain your bath onto that newly planted tree you fear is in danger of dying!

Granted, I don't plan on doing anything this drastic...Now that I have a ridiculously expensive aerobic septic system, any water that runs down my tub is put back on the yard.

But I just felt I should give you all options I knew of.

All kidding aside, I do feel rather strongly about this.  Water is a NONRENEWABLE resource.  While I do NOT believe the planet will run out of water (we live in a closed atmosphere) I do believe that climates of specific areas can change over time.  And if this area remains in the drought we've faced the last three years, our water situation could become quite scary.  And expensive.

As surely as the national debt is every one's concern, though we may have little control over it, water usage is CERTAINLY every one's concern.  And it is something every. single. person. can contribute to.

Think about it.

P.S.  Here is a quote from Gary's facebook status after meeting with OKC's city council:

BTW, spoke about drought to the OKC city council today. Not only did they say they have plenty of water left in their lakes (then why take canton down), but they said they anticipate being able to take another 30,000 acre-feet from Canton next year, the amount of time they think it will take to accumulate that much water again.

They are at least preparing some tougher water restrictions, and one councilman was talking about making them permanent.


Something is better than nothing I guess.

Hashtag...Corned Beef? Cannabis? Conversation?

Another thought on #.  When I hear the word "hash" I think of corned beef and hash.  A not so wonderful dish my Grandmama Dolly liked to eat.  I ate it.

It was okay.

But not as good as her apple pie.

#ipreferanapplepiethankyouverymuch.

Also, "hash" brings to mind marijuana.  Or cannabis.  Whatever you will...

#thatisdopey

Or perhaps the phrase, "We still need to hash out the details." 

#shallwechat

But hashtag?

And speaking of #, why did it become the "pound sign?"  Why was it ever added to the phone?  What was the point?

I'm pretty sure the automated messages will soon sound like this:

Press 1 for English.

El primo dos para Espanol.

For twitterish press hashtag for any menu consisting of 140 characters or less.

#icrackmeup

#sorryyoumadeabaddecision

"Sorry you made a bad decision."

It's a snarky little bit of nastiness I like to toss out to Brent at every opportunity.

And, today my own snarkiness came up and bit me on the butt...

(Pardon the language Gentle Reader.)

So 2012 was a rough year.  Emotionally, financially, blah-bi-dee-blah-blah...

Yet, it was a great year because my kids were healthy, we had a roof over our head, we never went without food, shelter, clothing, whatever...

However we DID have a foundation repair (ouch), a transmission rebuilt, a water pump go out on my car, a new septic system installed, and Brent had a few fender benders that resulted in unexpected expenses.

This year, we are determined to do better.  Stick to our budget, have more fun, get in better shape, clip more coupons...

Rules, rules, rules.

#rulesarestupid

So, with an enthusiastic heart, I went to the bank last Friday, and got the cash for the month.

Saturday we decided to do yard work.  And we decided that we simply MUST have pre-emergent for the yard.  After all, our less cash conservative neighbors were forking out the big bucks to have lawn services treat their yards....

We drove to a local nursery to buy our OWN pre emergent to save a buck or two.

Only, there was no cash allotted for an impulsive yard care buy.  Surely we could just be more careful with our money, perhaps I could clip those coupons I've been stashing in my box for the last month, and it would all balance out!

#itwillallworkout

#letsnotmentionastopatajunkstoreonthewayhome

Fast forward to THIS Friday.  A mere week into the month.

I decided to run to the store. We had no plastic wrap. 

Which, obviously led to me buying Dr. Pepper, "Hotel Transylvania," and granny smith apples for a pie.

#itwasallepicallynecessary

As I strolled through Walmart buying what was obviously necessary to my life and the well being of our family, I kept a running tally of my bill...Only sometime between squeezing grape fruit and searching out some nonshriveled oranges (#walmartproducestinks), I forgot my total.

As in, it completely left my brain.  I tried looking in my cart and trying to re-tally the whole lot, "Tide is $12, yogurt $1 each, peanut butter...peeannnnut butterrrrrr.....dang, dang, dang."

#hopethereisenoughmoneyinthegroceryenvelope

After a few minutes spent staring at my cart I gave up, and headed to the check out...

Where I left with a whopping $3.47 in the grocery envelope.

Surely enough to get us through the next 20 days of February.

#sorryyoumadeabaddecision

Drat.

#itwouldbeepic

I don't have a twitter account.  I've even thought about giving up my facebook account.  But then who would I share my random thoughts with?  Certainly not Brent.  Here's a copy/pasted convo from SuperBowl I posted last week:

Me: Yum. All American apple pie for the all American sport.
 Brent:  Makes sounds of agreement (who has time to reply to every inane comment I make.)
Me: Well, except the football part. I guess I'm just pretty excited about the pie.
Brent: He wordlessly continues to slice jalapenos for his beast feast...

Our life is so exciting!

So, obviously I won't get the proper accolades by sharing my random thoughts with those living in my house...

Anyway, we were talking about Twitter.  And my lack of an account.  But I'm pretty sure if I did, it would be EPIC.

Let's pause for alittle legend, how 'bout?  You see, I was quite confused by all the #myfridaynight nonsense, and #idol, and what not.  Then one day I suddenly realized, "Hey!  The pound sign is somehow tied to Twitter!"  It was revelatory, I tell ya...

Then I started hearing a weird word, "hashtag."

?!

And now, in  all of my Twitter expertise, I've finally decoded the whole thing.

# :  Number sign
# : Pound sign (we won't discuss how long it took me to figure out what the operator meant by "press the pound sign.")
# : HASHTAG!

And who the heck decided to call it a "hashtag?"  And is it hash tag, hashtag, HashTag, hASHtAG, or what? 

Utter nonsense!

But, returning to my theoretical EPICness:

In fact, it would be so epic, I've created a fantasy Twitter thread in my head.  For example today I worked a crossword puzzle.  The clue was:  A tryst at 12.

I pondered.  The witching hour?  Midnight madness?

Alas, none of the OBVIOUS answers fit in my six space area.  And none of my obvious answers had two n's and and r.

Thinking, thinking, thinking...

NOONER!

That is HYSTERICAL!

#mycrosswordpuzzlecluewasahoot

We went to see Hansel and Gretel tonight.  Brent and I had been desperate for a movie to go see.  He had not been to a movie since the latest Bond, and for people who use action/superhero movies for escapism that was a long time.

Want a quick review of the movie?  Good!  If you are looking for a COMPLETELY nonplausible movie with over the top action, then this is just the movie for you!   And, how did Hansel discover he has "a disease that requires him to do injections every few hours or he will die."  Sugar sickness from the original witch's excessive amount of sugar she fed him before he and good ole Gretel managed to off her....Apparently it plum wore out his pancreas!  (One must not ask how he knew if he would die if he is very much alive...or where he got the insulin...Or where he stashes his contaminated needles...)  Of course, I could do without the language, nudity (shocking, that) and there did seem to be an excessive amount of blood...

But it was still great fun!  Just be sure you go with someone who will say when it's safe to open your eyes again.

#thenuditywasoverthetopandwheredoesonegetinsulininmedievaltimes

Now, we are home and Brent is watching "Hotel Transylvania."  Popcorn is doing cartwheels and rolling across the floor on my balance ball and coming to a handstand.    Over and over and over...It could almost be tedious.

#wheredoesshegettheenergyfrom.

See?  This hashtag stuff can be fun!

Stay tuned for #SorryYouMadeABadDecision!

I'm pretty sure it will be EPIC.